I have always been a reader. I read my first non-illustrated juvenile paperback novel in the end of first grade. It was some kind of a mystery involving danger and a treehouse. I loved being sucked into another world. And I would often, during required nap time, lie awake and make up new stories for beloved characters. By the time I entered middle school, I was devouring a teen novel or two a day (usually 80s series books like Dark Forces, Twilight - not THE Twilight, and Sweet Dreams) before moving on to popular adult fiction. I loved reading and writing and couldn’t get enough.
When I was still fifteen, I was moved out of a standard English class and was bumped up a year into AP English Lit - skipping over the AP class offered to juniors. I was petrified walking into that room full what would be that year’s honor graduates and valedictorian. I sat down and listened to the teacher’s discussion with the class, both mesmerized and trying not to look stupid at the same time. And then she passed out Richard Wilbur’s poem “Death of a Toad” and asked us to ”explicate the metaphorical relationship between that of modern man and the toad”.
A lot of folks would find this torture. But me? I was instantly hooked. I loved taking the author’s words apart, finding relationships between ideas, and seeing the not-at-all accidental uses of figurative language. The genius of classic authors and their works enthralled me, and I was soon reading such works as The Sound and the Fury, Invisible Man, and Beloved without being assigned to do so. And, like many avid readers, I was hoping that somewhere within me was a great novel yet to be written.
I went on to major in English Education and then to teach middle school English for five years before getting my media specialist certification and taking a position in a middle school library. Yep, I’m a card-carrying book pusher. I love matching people with just the right book and am the annoying aunt who gives books for gifts. I also moderate an online reading group of about 100 people. So, I have some of the training, degree, and professional credentials to be an official book snob.
They do say confession is good for the soul. So here is where I am going to do the Literary Walk of Shame. Go ahead. Ask me what I’ve been reading for the past six or seven years. Fine. I’ll just say it.
Fluffy paperback mysteries, science fiction, and romance. And, yes - though I cringe somewhat to admit this - paranormal romance. Vampires, werewolves, and the like. Some of you who read more worthy literature may be disappointed in me, I know. But you know what I like about these books? There’s always a happy ending. I don’t have to worry that the author is going to slip a tragedy in on me. I can laugh at witty dialogue, chew my nails at the scary parts, and simply immerse myself in a bit of literary escapism. Sure, characters in paranormal fiction certainly do get eaten by otherworldly baddies, but I have no real concerns about seeing such a thing repeated in real life. I like my fictional tragedy to be of the improbable variety. And, in defense of authors of “mere genre” fiction, some of them are quite good storytellers who write simply to entertain. I now happen to think that is a perfectly noble aspiration, prior book snobbery aside.
There. I’ve said it. I’m hoping the university will not catch wind and revoke my degree. 
So why have I turned to the dark side and read only fluff? It’s simple. I find I can no longer read serious literature. It’s all so tragic. Abuse, suicide, genocide, war, terminal illness, child loss, and on and on. Misery compounded by misery. It’s simply too much pain to process when I am so busy trying to process my own. The last respectable works I read were The Kite Runner, Room, and The Book Thief. Surely you see my point. Yes, they were brilliant. Yes, they were thought-provoking. And, yes, there are lines from these novels and the like that still haunt me in the horrible beauty they convey. I can still discuss great novels at length, analyze the symbolism within, etc. But I cannot handle reading them anymore. It’s just…too much. Too much everything.
A few years ago, a very dear friend of mine lost her teenaged child in an accident. Shortly after, my stepmother died of cancer — following five short months of suffering and all-too-early goodbyes. Ten months later, I gave birth to my first child, an experience that - as every parent knows - suddenly clarifies much about life, death, and what really matters. And then, 19 months after that, we had our sweet son - whose autism has also taught me much about love, acceptance, hope, and grief.
In just a few short years, I have witnessed and experienced enough of the true highs and lows on the roller coaster of life that I find I cannot willingly subject myself to taking those rides with people who do not even exist. So, I don’t read drama. Period. For me, there is enough real drama in the world already. Nor do I watch drama. Ditto for most reality competitions. No matter how talented they are, I find can’t stand watching some kid’s dreams shattered. And why some folks choose to willingly demean themselves and others on cheesy reality television is beyond my comprehension. I guess one should just be grateful they don’t have anything more pressing to concern themselves with.
I know that what fiction one chooses to read and what shows are programmed into her DVR aren’t terribly significant. Except that they are yet another sign of the small ways that profound experiences can change you. I am still myself, yet another version of me. And, though there have been many experiences in recent years that have shaped the Me of Now, I find that becoming the mother of a special needs child is the most life-changing. I see the world differently. I have more patience for people, but less tolerance for the drama they inflict upon themselves. I have more compassion for myself, but I question every move and choice I make. And, although the joys I experience are deeper and more meaningful than before, I now see in my own eyes the subtle expression just under the surface of so many parents whose children are born different and therefore vulnerable in a not-so-understanding world.
I am me. But I am not me. And I am not at all certain how many more versions of myself are yet to emerge. Yet I guess that is what life is about — change and adapting to change, over and over again until the ultimate change. I hope I get better at it, seeing as how there is no choice and all.
And, in the meantime, should you encounter me in the bookstore - ducking behind some vampire book display and hiding the covers of my selections from the wandering eyes of absolutely no one - try not to laugh at me. Clearly, I still take myself way too seriously.
Now, I really must go and find out what Alexia* is up to and if it will involve traveling with her werewolf husband on a dirigible on her way to do battle with neer-do-wells. With any luck, it will. Sometimes a temporary escape from reality is all you need.
“Books don’t offer real escape, but they can stop a mind scratching itself raw.”
― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas: A Novel
*Faithless by Gail Carriger
In what ways have you changed at the parent of a special needs child?
If you enjoyed this post, you might might like: “Why I Won’t Be Getting Mother of the Year: Layers of Understanding”
I’ve never been a book snob. My first love was genre fiction, mainly fantasy and some science fiction, but I know what you mean about having trouble reading serious fiction, and for me any book that may be too dark is probably going unread for the time being. The Kite Runner is sitting unread on a shelf, and I think I am ready to admit it probably won’t happen.
I affectionately call this kind of reading my “brain candy”…. I read them for the same reason I eat candy. Not for the nutrients but for the pleasure…and it’s okay to do that (but maybe in moderation…:) )
Since I am in school, I sadly don’t make the time to read as I would like to. Occasionally, I will pick up one of the Diana Gabaldon novels and dive in for a few pages of escape. I am looking forward to a few weeks off this summer and I hope to devour “The Scottish Prisoner.”
Enjoy your fluff..it could be worse.
Such a great post. I had a discussion like this with a co-worker…do we read certain books which are depressing, incomprehensible, or poorly written just to say we have read them? I think so (I personally disliked The Kite Runner, but that’s just me.) Working in a library, I see enough depressing stuff from my patrons that I can’t help but want to read Lillian Jackson Braun or Vince Flynn books at the end of the day.
And, you know, jokes about vampires aside, I do actually read intelligent mysteries, sci-fi, etc. Have you ever read Deanna Raybourn? She writes wonderful and witty Recency mysteries. She wrote my favorite opening line to any book ever: “To say that I met Nicholas Brisbane over my husband’s dead body is not entirely accurate. Edward, it should be noted, was still twitching upon the floor.” -Silent in the Grave
Great stuff!
A couple of years ago, I read “The Road.” It is a remarkably well-written book, but it was *beyond* depressing. At the time, my son (who - bless his heart - *loves* to read *actual* books!) was reading “The Warriors” series by Erin Hunter. If you’re not familiar, it’s about rival clans of feral cats. He asked me to read it with him, and not feeling like taking on anything the weight of “The Road” again for — I don’t know — years? — I said okay. I finished the entire series. He quit somewhere around book 6. Everytime I went to the bookstore to buy the next book, I felt compelled to tell the clerk I was buying it for my son. When she commented back one day, “Boy, he sure reads fast,” I changed bookstores.
You’ll be pleased to know that it is now socially acceptable to read YA and middle school literature. So much so that some really impressive authors are moving into this market. Read away! Some suggestions from your friendly middle school librarian:
The Maze Runner by James Dasher (series)
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Heir Apparent by Vivian Vande Velde
Do you want to read some trashy paranormal romance novels? Try Lyndsay Sands Argeneau Vampire series. it has some science, some drama, and some good romance.
Ashamed to admit I read (once- and enjoyed) the Twilight Series. Hooked by a trashy romance diguised as fantasy-alas!
I love reading so much I sometimes think I should be a librarian…someday. My oldest is in kindergarten; ushering in the daily meltdowns. You know that niggling “something’s wrong” feeling? I have it. This girl has at least one parent (me) with ADHD….*gulp*. I’ve been putting off approaching the teacher/ dr/…because its scary and I think she may think I’m nuts (hahha that is probably true) since M is high functioning academically speaking. Tired of saying, “Sit down and eat.” “Concentrate on …(fill in the blank.)” “Stop lollygagging” “The bus is coming in 2 minutes! Hurry up!”
As someone diagnosed late in life (comparitively speaking to the average age of diagnosis) I wonder about the emotional impact of being diagnosed at say, 6 instead of 24 as I was. (oh so THAT explains the disaster that has been college…and late high school.) A disaster emotionally not grade wise. (what’s wrong with me? Why do I have to spend 7 hours in school, 7.5 hours doing hw? and 6 hours sleeping ? Now I know teenagers are supposed to get 9 hours of sleep a night: well, I got 6-7.5 hours every night for 3 years in hs. I often READ a book instead of a textbook (felt guilty about it too.) When we were assigned THE SCARLET LETTER in English class, I read it in a couple of days, then had to reread it slowly with the class. Now I can hardly bring myself to tackle a “classic.”
I stick with memoirs and fantasy literature mainly.
Currently reading: Children’s books about the Titanic with M to teach her about the tragedy as the 100th anniversary approaches. I would highly recommend “Polar The Titanic Bear” written by Daisy Corning Stone Spedden, a titanic survivor who likely wrote the story to help her son cope with the experience. The story is written from the perspective of a stuffed bear about what happened to him the night(s) of the disaster.
I am also (slowly) reading BORN ON A BLUE DAY by Daniel Tammet . The cover declares : Inside the mind of an Autistic Savant. This is a fascinating read but difficult as his attention to detail makes my head hurt. If I could write down all that goes on in my head as clearly as he has I feel it would probably make other’s head’s hurt too.
If confession is good for the soul I will continue: I’m a grammar snob. The spelling errors in this post are bothering me, but not enough to fix them. Its a comment: it doesn’t have to be perfect, right? That’s what I”m trying to tell myself anyways.
Oh, my. I purport to be a grammar snob as well, though I know that I take great liberties with commas and dashes.
Were you referring to misspellings in your comment or my post? Which ones? I’ll race to fix them. I do try to find them, but I don’t run my posts past a proofer like I should. Every time I read my posts again, I find something, and it drives me nuts. Thanks for for your comment!
my own spelling errors of course. I take liberties with (…) ….. because timing is important.
Ah book snobbery - I on the other hand am snobbish about my vampire books, there are good ones and bad ones after all.
Having not been published I don’t feel as if I have a foot to stand on - if someone has managed to write it and go through the process of getting it into to print I’ll read it with a measure of respect and awe.
Thanks for this post - it’s really something I could identify with.
There ARE good ones and bad ones. Sadly, the stand-alones often are far better than the series books. Have you read Midnight Mass by F.Paul Wilson or Sunshine by Robin McKinley? I thought both were really good, but I don’t see them mentioned often. Of course, they are really horror more than paranormal romance. What are your favorites?
I am also a voracious reader who avoids the drama/serious lit, though for a different reason. I’ve always avoided it. Now that I know my kids have Asperger’s, I discovered that I too, have many strong shadow traits of it myself. One of the traits I have is that, while I’ve been accused of lacking empathy, I actually feel empathy way too deeply and can’t turn it off. I spent two solid weeks crying after watching Romeo & Juliet in my highschool English class. A heart-wrenching book can leave me off-kilter for months. It’s not worth it. To me, though, good lit does not equal drama. There is plenty of well written “fluff.”
In a turn of irony, I ended up in a doctoral program in Spanish literature. I loved the devilishly funny picaresque novels, but did my best to fake my way through the depressing lit of Franco’s regime. yuk!
Agree totally, other than autism related reading, I only read “fluff” and really cannot stand to watch most of what is on TV.
Oddly enough, I had a very similar conversation with a coworker a few days ago…I also am an avid, published author, and lover of the written word. I am currently reading A Lion Among Men (third in the Wicked series, Maguire), and have just finished the fifth book in The Song of Ice and Fire series. I’m never content to have only one open novel about me, so I supplement with a variety of trash romance novels of the sort that feature a buxom wench on the cover being ravished by a handsome sword-bearing man with his chest bared. While fantasy books and social satire are socially acceptable enough for my self-consciously intellectual and self-proclaimed “nerdy” friends, books of the latter mentioned type always make me the joke of the day. Finally a friend seriously asked me why I didn’t read “serious” books, after I declined many of her suggestions, which she knows a few years ago (e, to be exact), I would have devoured and sat up all night in the coffee house discussing. She suggested I was “rotting my brain”. I attempted to explain that I was merely resting my soul and tried to convey how my current literary selections are a reflection of my changed life circumstances, but either I did a poor job, or she didn’t want to understand. Your article stated almost exactly why I read what I do. After all, one can only read so many evaluation reports, research studies on new therapies, and manuals suggesting new interaction techniques before the mind implodes and the heart melts. Thank you for elucidating so clearly what I could not, I will be suggesting this article to my friend. I read every single thing you post…..you’re a fabulous writer, hilarious, funny, introspective, and you live in my world, sometimes I feel you live in my head. Thank you for blogging, and being so amazingly good at it
Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for those kind and complimentary words. You mentioned you are published. Fiction or nonfiction?
Btw: Do you read smartbitchestrashybooks.com? She is certainly off-color, but a kind of non-apologist romance reader who happens to be an intellectual. Her book Beyond Heaving Bosoms is a riot but pretty interesting. I bet you would like it.
It’s called self-care, and it is a perfectly good thing to do. I work in the fields of domestic violence and sexual assault, and I escape with romantic comedies and online games.
I completely relate. I absolutely love the “fluff” now. I love being absorbed in it and escaping reality for a short while. It’s fantastic…
I have the same confession, though I rarely read for pleasure anymore, sadly. The power of a story has always stayed with me, and I find I cannot commit to being plunged to the depths of grief and loss and injustice in books and movies anymore. I just don’t have that kind of emotional capital anymore! I have plenty of those emotions in my own real life, thanks. If I want my heart to be wrung like that, there are plenty of real people in my life and around the world who could use my compassion and tears (and prayers). Love this post.
Thank you for your confession!! I thought I was the only one who reads ‘fluff’ because I’m just…worn out. “Deep” literature is beyond my emotional abilities at this time. I read data on brain development, academic papers on how the gut changes when a child was exposed in utero to alcohol, how to parent a child who is not neuro-typical, I respond to various requests for encouragement and information from other parents in similar situations, and I also parent my children, four of whom have special needs relating to prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol. I just don’t have it in me to pay attention to thought-provoking and meaningful literature. I used to pay attention to the ‘literati’, but now…well, now I’m trying to figure out ways to help my kids do daily living.
My husband says I used to talk with people about lots of interesting things; now I talk about neurological differences, how to identify them, what the brain does at various stages, how drugs and alcohol or other TBI changes these processes, resources for parenting and teaching kids with brain differences, and I go on and on about it. *blush* I’m always on the look out for information that will help with my kids. I used to collect cookbooks, now I collect curricula for special needs education. (We homeschool.)
I’m sure I’ve changed in many ways (empathy for parents with misbehaving kids in the grocery store, for instance), but I’m too tired to think of them now. LOL
Ditto! Not only do I not care for made up drama any more, I just now am getting back the time you need to read (my son is 21). So I’m back to reading (always was a voracious reader BG (before Griff) but it’s much different. When I was in the thick of it; 3 kids - one hyperactive and ASD, husband out of the state and country working most of the time, the me time I missed most was reading. A good friend of mine (she’s an English teacher) introduced me to poetry. I could read a poem in the 10 minutes I had available. The trash magazines and bad romance novels left me with a bad taste in my mouth. But you can really get into beautiful poetry in just a few minutes, and carry it with you the rest of the day. One of my favorite compilations is “Poem A Day”. I think there are 3 of them now. Anyway, love them, love reading, love your blog. Keep in mind that although right now you might feel as if there isn’t time for anything, it does get better. I read 3 books this week! And read whatever you need to read to get you through the day. Hold you head high in the vampire romance department!
Thank you. I do try. Some habits and attitudes are deeply ingrained however. LOL But I still cringe when I carry them the counter. E-readers are the greatest thing that ever happened to closet vampire readers!
Confession is good for the soul
I am a current book snob. The only fiction I read IS romance. I was sneaking my mom’s Harlequin romances in forth grade and it was always my go-to genre. It wasn’t until my oldest son started exhibiting autism traits that it became more than a hobby. It is now my escape. I read about 5 a week, I blog about them, and love chatting online with other romance readers. I crave the good triumphing over evil happily ever after. I call the paranormal romances adult fairy tales because it fits my favorite quote.
“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton
Squeal! I love that quote. Rushing off now to share it with my book group. Thanks!
P.S. What is your blog?
RR@H Novel Thoughts & Book Talk.
http://rrahnovelthoughts.com/
Cool. Looking forward to checking it out. I have an unpublished blog I’ve had in the works for some time, but I find this one keeping me too busy for it. I’m hoping that perhaps this summmer I might be able to roll it out.
Wow, i can totally relate to what you have said. I do not watch reality tv or anything overly emotional or dramatic. I have never expressed why as eloquently, but thank you. You have expressed the sentiment with great clarity.
Amen to that! Currently reading a Jack Reacher book will be moving onto Dresden Files shortly!
I loved the Dresden Files! Read the lot in about 2 weeks!
Nothing like a little escapism sometimes.
I’ve heard good things about the Dresden Files. I’m in the middle of a huge Discworld reading jag right now.
I’ve been meaning to give the Dresden Files a try.