“I was really worried this would happen. Autism does run in your side of the family.”- “You shouldn’t let him watch any TV. I read an article in the doctor’s office about how bad TV is for children under two. That might have caused this.”
- “When will it be too late for him to learn to talk? He hasn’t made any progress.”
- “You want me to read this whole book on autism?”
- “Why is he acting like this? I think he is regressing.”
- “Could the nausea medicines you took when you were pregnant have caused this? I was worried about that.”
- “I just don’t think you are doing enough to teach him how to be patient and not get so upset.”
- “You really need to work on getting him to eat new foods. His diet isn’t very healthy.”
- “I’m worried that he might be slow. I just hope and pray that one day he will be at least potty trained.”
- “(That’s nice that you are a teacher, have dealt with autism in your family, and that you have done so much research on how to help him. I know that he has an OT, ST, PT, Infant Child Developmental Specialist, Developmental Pediatrician, and Early Steps screeners), but here is what [Insert random person who knows nothing about autism] had to say…”
And the One Thing I Wish She Had:
“You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be okay. Now, what can I do to help?”
Wow! It was heartbreaking to read those comments that were said to you. I have heard many of those as well, not from my MIL, but from other family and past friends.
I wish everyone realize the power of our words. Words can tear down or they can build up & encourage. I pray that my words to my children, friends, & family be powerfully good!
Blessings to you!
Julie
Thanks so much, Julie. Just when I think I’ve reached the point where I am immune, I hear a new doozy. Interacting with all of you, however, is therapeutic. Thanks for stopping by and taking a moment to comment. I hope to see you here again.
Unfortunately, I too have heard some really inappropriate things from family and friends — especially my own mother. My favorite is the exasperated “If she just can’t pull herself together, then maybe the two of you should just not come to our family events.” I have learned to accept the fact that most people are just reacting to the moment. They do not mean what they are saying and — unlike me — are totally unprepared to handle those sudden, unpredictable moments. This doesn’t make their behavior unexcusable, but it makes it more understandable. I’m sorry, too, that you have had to deal with this. Words should help, not hurt.
I’m so sorry these things were said to you. How thoughtless. Someone in my family said it was perhaps I am ‘older’ (I was 39 when I had my daughter, who is now 2). What are they thinking?!
You are doing a great job. This autism business is all consuming and sharing your experiences with the rest of us in the same boat is so helpful. Thank you!
All the best,
Kate
Ouch! Nothing like tearing down someone when they are at their most vulnerable, is there? Thanks so much, Kate, for reading and sharing your thoughts. They are most appreciated. Hope to see you back!
Oh my goodness. Just came across your blog. I love it. I am mom to two NNTs and one NT. “Flappy” is pretty much the go-to description of my NNTs. Can’t wait to read more!
Thank you, Lynn! You truly do have your hands full. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Just learned of your blog today and had to start following it. I’m sorry these things were said to you. Sometimes I think relatives in particular make these statements because they are trying to make THEMSELVES feel better by assigning blame, thereby keeping it away from them. It seems they think if it’s YOUR fault, then it couldn’t have been passed down from them. Why they feel the need to do this, I don’t know.
My mom always used to tell me that my son was slow, but he’d be “just fine”. My dad felt it was a discipline problem. My mom didn’t want to admit that her grandson had autism, and my dad was just old school. However, with all of the need my mom had to keep her head in the sand, whenever she watched my son, she always asked me what I wanted her to do, how he needed to be fed, and asked for instructions on pretty much everything! And, she followed them to the letter, bless her heart.
My mom died unexpectedly in 2008, just 2 weeks before my son’s 4th birthday, but I knew she loved and accepted my son for who he is. My dad died 6 months later, but on the mother’s day between my mom and dad’s deaths, my dad called me and told me what a wonderful mother I was, and how my mom always used to tell everyone what a wonderful job I was doing in a difficult situation, and he told me he thought I was the best mom ever.
Even though I don’t know you, I do know that you’re doing a great job. It’s clear from your postings how much you care, and how hard you’re trying to make a good life for your son. So, from me to you: You are a wonderful mother, you’re doing a fantastic job in a difficult situation, and I know your son feels like he has the best mom EVER!
Cheryl, you just made me cry. Thanks so much. It IS so important to have that encouragement. You were blessed to have such wonderful support from your parents in the time they were with you. Thanks for taking the time to tell me what she should have. I hope to see you visit again.
Awww….you made me cry too. God bless you for what you do for your child especially without the support a mom and dad can offer.
My mother in law told us that we didn’t take our child to the park enough as a baby and toddler, which is probably why he’s autistic now, and since our younger son went the park a lot more often, that’s why he’s okay.
Well, of COURSE it was that simple! Let’s call the CDC and let them know, shall we?
Thanks for sharing!
Wow, I know I have heard many of these comments from various people. I also have heard I need to discipline him more- a good spanking will fix it. Whatever! Again I applaud how frank and open you are!
Thank you, Jill. Now let’s hope no one points HER in the direction of this posting, shall we? LOL Thanks again!
I have a child with autism myself, and it is interesting how encouragement and loving support is the one thing you need the most, but it is also the thing you get the least. My friends have always been far more supportive than our family has, and to me that’s sad. People just don’t understand how heartbreaking it is to be the mom of a child with autism. Not because of that child, mind you, but because of how other people respond to him, and also you, because of him. If these are the kinds of things you hear from other people, then I feel for you honey, I really do. But rest assured, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
Thanks, Jody. You DO learn who your real friends are.
“You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be okay. Now, what can I do to help?”
I know I am not your mother-in-law (Thank god) but, I hope hearing this from me helps. Your blog is awesome…reading it makes the autism journey I am on with my daughter just a little bit easier.
Sincerely,
Annette - Autism Story Book Mom
Thank you, Annette. That was refreshing to hear.
Is Autism Story Book Mom a blog?
Hugs to you and your family! We had similar experiences with my in-laws and even though they try, they still do not understand even six years after the diagnosis.
Would that my in-laws be willing to learn…
Thanks, Sue! Best wishes.
Although I am not you Mother in Law either, I hope that you always know that I am here for you if you ever need anything!! (I even will babysit if you are in a real pinch!)
You wouldn’t say that if you met my NT daughter. LOL
Thanks so much. Hope to see you on here again.
Oops… Your*
The English teacher in me appreciates your correction. LOL
Thank you for sharing these words in exactly the light they should be shared… I have heard the comments so many times, that all of us must have heard them at least once. The only other one I would add is: “There’s nothing wrong with him; you are just overprotective.” That’s the one you hear when all the work he has done is starting to pay off. Consider it praise for a job well done
Oh, I hope so! Right now, it’s, “Why doesn’t he…” Uh, because he is autistic?! Sigh…
Thanks for your kind reply and for stopping by.
Wow. I have heard some of those…it is so hard. ((Hugs))
Right back at ya!
I think a lot of times, people need to latch on to some kind of reason. Whether or not they intend to cast blame, meaning gets intepreted and is hurtful.
I am not a mother of a child with autism, but I have significant people in my life who do have autism and were in my wedding. My mother-in-law asked if they could “handle it” or would they “freak out” or keep quiet in the service.
People don’t mean to hurt all the time, and I am sure I have said a hurtful thing accidentally to a mother of a child with a disability. Writing about this will hopefully teach people what to say instead of what not to say. Thank you for insight into the mind of a mother.
Great Blog!
My heart wrenches reading this. I think *every* mom needs to hear this, particularly from close family and friends, and I think moms of kids who are wired completely differently than the fits-in-a-box kids need to hear it regularly. I have one child who is quite spirited (a nice way of saying intense, stubborn, independent, creative, and strong-willed, along with a ton of sensory processing issues), and one with special needs (who, despite his array of delays and needs, has been much easier to parent than my spirited child). It has been quite a journey and most humbling, at that. For every person that offers an opinion for which I didn’t ask, I remind myself, “They have never walked in these shoes. They have no idea what this is like or else they would never say anything so hurtful.”
Sounds like what my MIL has said. She had told me that my son would never be in special ed….he was. She said that Sign Language is just a bunch of gibberish. He was non verbal until around 3. So my biotch of a MIL said these things right when my husband and I were looking into the posibility of Autism. She was a teacher…..50 years ago. And she thinks she knows it ALL. Not. She is a real piece of work. I hate being around her. Her comments really make me angry, because she is not supportive of what we need to do for our son. So I limit my time with her. My husband tries to limit the visits too, because he knows I can’t stand her. LOL
we got married older in our late 30′s and I had my son when I was almost 36. My husband was 38. We are doing the best we can, but the comments from MIL don’t help.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. I like knowing others’ stories.
Seriously. People want to find a reason and place blame, and I get that. But they have no idea how hurtful those comments can be.
You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be OK.
I have heard, “They don’t have Autism, YOU have Autism…” total denial.
I have heard most of those, but the one that really sets me off is “But he can’t have Asperger, he looks normal.” Which always seems to be followed by a commenting about our lack of parenting & discipline skills. Okay, 1) just what exaclty does ‘normal’ look like? and 2) let me question you about YOUR lack of parenting and discipline skills, since your precious child is the one who is bullying my child.
And does the phrase ‘they are just being boys’ drive anyone else over the edge?
You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be okay. Now, what can I do to help?
My Seamus (“Shay”) was 28 months before he spoke at all. 3yo before he said “Mama.” 5yo Before he said “I love you.”
Now he’s standing next to me, 7, a first grader, pointing and saying “click on the link next to CNN (which is Netflix).” Early childhood was SO much harder.
Tune out the Turkeys- like my Mother in Law’s husband: “Why is he sitting there playing an iPad, he should go talk to people?” (At a FAMILY REUNION in a strange town/state with 50 people he’s never met. Seriously? Have another scotch.)
You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be okay. Now, what can I do to help? (Seriously - contact info below.)
Great post
I have had so many of these comments myself:-(
*two fists to chest and points at the screen*
I feel you.
Honestly…after I that diagnosis in my hand…I wanted to laugh, I wanted to dance, and I wanted to shove it into the face of every person that treated me like my child’s behavior was MY fault. (Especially the snide comment of “She just makes up crap about her kids” from a family member) Oh the VALIDATION!
Of course…I spent the rest of the day sobbing instead. Don’t we all? Even though we know it’s coming.
Wow Abbie, so good to hear I’m not the only one…
Huh, and here I thought only *my* MIL said things like this! I’d have had to add “I knew that from the time he was xx months old he was ‘different’” and that she’d already diagnosed him herself, with no experience or degree, and even though I fought 5 medical ‘professionals’ for 18 months to GET that diagnosis, she still knew better/more than me.
Ok…..
Anyway, I love your blog, and intend to follow your journey! Thanks for sharing!!
Great post, very close to home. Love and hugs. Lisa. xx
This was my mom, not my MIL. I never could make that woman happy.
I SWEAR it WILL get better. She might even get a clue. But don’t hold your breath.
And I have vindication. 2 more male 2nd cousins on spectrum. Hah. I was making it all up huh? Sheesh. Yes, you do find out who your real friends are.
Oh. It’s worth it btw. Thought you’d like to know. Mine turned 15 yesterday
.
Thanks for that.
I can’t imagine right now…
I agree that your mom should have said something a bit more sincere and calming, but I cannot disagree that some of the things she said do ring true in terms of treating or preventing further deterioration of your child’s mental faculties. Diet, dna and all of the synthetic medications your child may have already ingested since birth for a myriad of ailments i.e. children’s motrin for a fever, children’s tylenol for a cold and commercially-produced baby and toddler formulas are NOT as healthy for our children as we would like to think.
Since Autism is such a broad-spectrum disorder and that currently there is no real cause, cures, long-term preventive maintenance and even daily interaction, is quite challenging. However by being so active in other parents lives who also deal with this affliction attacking their children’s neurological development, you are doing ‘the right thing’.
I cannot stress how upset I am with our FDA and the govt of small-minded persons who INSIST on putting chemicals in food that is to be onsumed by little ones with highly-active brains. A toddler graduate by gerber cookie (or any other snack and regular nutritious-based foodstuff) SHOULD not contain FD&C #5 or #6 as these two specific chemical coloring and enhancing agents do cause a myriad of cognitive deterioration. The FD&C #5 increases hyperactivity while the FD&C #6 decreases intelligent quotient; while any of the other FD&C dyes contribute to neurological destruction at the nerve endings and the main sheaths these nerves are bundled in (like myelin sheaths covering muscle nerves).
I don’t have all the answers nor a cure but I hope I can assist in some way as I studied (for my baccalaureate) early childhood development and abnormal psychology. In my own personal research and assistance with families that have ADHD, ADD and any of the Autism-spectrum disorders that affect the dendrites and neurons, I can tell you keep your child more than complacent with the situation he has to deal with. It may seem like the worst possible thing that could of happened; however it is not 100% destructive especially if treated with all-natural kinds of approaches.
Should I be of more assistance to you, please contact me at my website and keep your head up as this affliction IS NOT strictly irreversible or a life-long problem as some people would like to lead you to believe . . .
Oh for crap’s sake…a parent of a special needs child doesn’t need advice or criticism from inlaws or grandparents. They need emotional support.
You are a wonderful mother. Having met your mother-in-law, I do not believe she is cpable of ever understanding.
Ladies and Gentleman, you have just met one of the most wonderful friends in the world. She doesn’t have a special-needs child, but she is the best kind of friend a parent of a special-needs child can have. She places herself in your shoes and loves my boy for being himself. Sandytilton721 rocks!
Ah, the memories. I have great in-laws, so they never said things like this. But occasionally I would get comments like this from others. Sometimes you may have to limit your contact with that person, and if you can’t do that you have to plug your ears metaphorically.
How about, “I love you and your child…just the way you ALL are”? I’m a family therapist working with families who are new to the world of ASD. I would love to share this with them, if that’s okay. I think it really helps to know that others have similar experiences.
Absolutely! And thanks for asking.
I feel your pain. My MIL is amazing, but so many other family members suck.
My brother used to tell me that if I would just spank my kids they would behave. They have ADHD and ASD. I argued with him on the phone for an hour on MOTHER’S DAY about it! He said the bible says i have to give them the rod. It wasn’t until someone from his church, who he’d known only a few weeks, talked to him about her child with autism that he finally understood (and then considered himself an expert).
Ugh, I hate people like that. Some days you just want to shake them until they understand!
“shaken MIL syndrome” LOL!
Oh my goodness can I ever relate to this one… are you secretly my sister-in-law, because I swear we have to be talking about the same woman!
When my little boy was diagnosed with autism, my MIL said that our only comfort now was that one day he would be healed in heaven.
Before he was diagnosed and “just” had delays, she was confident the problems could be solved by getting him around other kids. Which would happen if I would just make some friends who had kids his age… and so on…
Glad to have found your blog! Our boys sound pretty similar.
OMG. The statement about being healed in heaven just made me choke on my cereal. lol Some things are just so awful all you can do is laugh. Though none of the things my MIL said made me laugh, that’s for sure! I think you might be right. Perhaps our MILs are long lost siblings?
Wow, I don’t think I could hold back and would have snapped back. Keep up the great work on raising two precious children.
Kristin, ever heard the saying “Beware the fury of the patient man”? That kind of describes me. I took it for a while to keep the peace and then decided I’d had enough. I am polite, but I do not socialize with her. I’ve been a much happier person as a result!
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
I heard a lot of that from my relatives, too. But my mother-in-law was depressed, because her son, my husband, had special needs as a child.
My aunt went through this with her MIL with my cousin who had Down’s Syndrome. She insisted that it was my aunt’s fault, that if my aunt had enough faith my cousin would be healed, and expected my aunt to participate in every crackpot scheme she found.
I didn’t write that in my blog post, but I did write about the other issues of pressure to put my cousin into a home.
I’ve enjoyed looking at your blog tonight. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Nancy
http://livingtheseasons.com/2011/06/29/culture-norms/
Wow. Just wow. I’m sorry if this offends you but your mother in law is a, well you know.
That was really heart-wrenching to read. Many people could learn a lot as parents, friends, siblings, partners and colleagues from reading the last thing you wish she had said. A touching post.
You’re doing a great job. She sounds too self-absorbed to ‘get it’.
I know the feeling… all you want is some support, but you’re hurt by her passive aggressive ways. My MIL is a selfish nightmare and she can’t be bothered to learn anything about ASD…Ugh.
I think you are on the right track setting boundaries. Checkout MILHell.com.
Hugs
My MIL says similar things about my NT boys, and it is frustrating. If they had special needs, the claws would REALLY come out. If you haven’t shoved her head in a toilet and given her a holiday swirlie, you are doing a GREAT job. Sincerely.
When my Aspie son was an infant, my (now ex) MIL used to say “Let him cry it out, it is the only exercise he gets. He’s just manipulating you.” Oooohhhh… still boils my blood thinking about that comment!
MIL’s SUCK. My MIL is actually teaching me how to be a better MIL myself someday. I will just do the exact opposite of what she does. When I talk to her about my son, or any of my husband’s family for that matter, I get a blank stare (insert long pause here). Ok so does that mean you want me to shut up? Do you not care? Do you not believe me? Do you think I am making this shit up? Do you give a crap? I know my son is perfect thanks for saying that but he’s not, so we are getting help. Which is what responsible parents, realistic parents do. Take off your rose colored glasses people. In MY family, we talk about things, so I am not used to this “make pretend it’s all butterflies and kittens” crap. UGH,
Wow, I wish she had never said those things to you - that is horrible. Never give up the knowledge that you are doing what is best for your child!
Have faith!
Wow. I am sorry that you had to hear any of this from anyone … let alone a family member. I know I have heard many of these comments from different people. And while I try and ignore it … I really hate how people have little understanding of autism and what it is like to help them.
Thanks for sharing!!
Thanks for sharing. So sorry you had to hear these comments. One of the most irksome that I have received from my MIL was “You should really talk to (SIL)-she’s worked a lot with difficult children.” I was furious. My son tries so hard to please. Luckily, she’s coming around, and in all fairness, she sometimes have a difficult time saying the “right” things when all is well.
The first time we had our son referred to a child psychologist (age 6), she said that the reason he was struggling to fit in to his new school and with making new friends was because he did not interact with other children until the age of 3 when he started nursery school (I was a stay at home mom). And here I thought staying home with your baby was a GOOD thing. She somehow missed the other things we said (like his history of meltdowns, sensory issues, intense interest in birds, etc) and said that if I had only socialized him more, he would be fine. Thankfully I have a much more sensible psychiatrist now, but honestly, if you can’t trust someone with a PhD in psychology, who can you trust (oh, that’s right, I can trust myself). BTW, my SIL was the one who “diagnosed” our son with ASD years before our formal diagnosis - because she works with someone with cerebral palsy who knows someone who works in behaviour management of people with ASD. I don’t think she could even describe ASD but she still knew before I did, and my MIL hasn’t forgotten. Sigh.
Boy, have I heard all those comments! Not just from my own MIL, but other family members, too. If you ever want good sound advice about dealing with obnoxious family, check out the Dealing With In Laws group on Babycenter. They’ve been a lifesaver for me.
As I read this, I nearly cried. No, my babies don’t have autism. No, I don’t know what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes. I do have friends and relatives whose children bravely live with autism and try to make life as wonderful as possible, despite the challenges. They and you are amazing! You are not responsible for your son’s autism, and I wish I could give your MIL a piece of my mind. Remember, you are a great mom, and people you’ll probably never meet in person are rooting for you!
Absolutly brilliant
Your blog is wonderful - almost every one of them has brought tears to my eyes. My son is nearly 2, and he is not autistic - he has cerebral palsy (and epilepsy) - however, much of what you have written throughout your various blog posts is relevant to us. Harry can’t yet walk or speak, but there is hope for both, maybe when he is 4 or 5… My journey as a mother of a special needs child has introduced me to a world I never knew existed - the world of extremely strong parents and caregivers, and of super special children (including many autstic children, as well as many with rare and/or undiagnosed disorders). I love my son, and while I would never have asked that life be so much harder for him than for others, I have never wished he wasn’t exactly who he is. I am a better person for having him in my life - a special needs child opens your eyes much wider than you ever thought imaginable. I am not religious, but I have been “touched by a special needs angel” (in the form of my son Harrison).
I identify with everything you just said! I love both my children with my whole heart & soul, wouldn’t trade either one for anything in the universe (one is “typical” and the other autistic). Raising children is hard as well as rewarding. It teaches you a lot about yourself! Raising a special needs child is the toughest job you will ever undertake; but, as you point out, the blessings & rewards are as huge as the job.
It is so devastating when you’re doing your absolute best to care for your kids, and somebody (esp. a family member) makes a disparaging comment, casting guilt at you for your child’s problems! Usually, these remarks reflect ignorance more than cruelty; but, still, they really hurt! As the original blogger said, the best thing they could say is , “You’re doing a great job!” (Or, even if they disagree with what you are doing, say, ” I admire how much work you’re putting into helping Johnny!”) Also, as she said, “How can I help?” would be the sweetest music to the parents’ ears!! We special needs Moms are a unique sisterhood. So happy we have these forums to support eachother!!
My dear you win the prize for exercising enormous restraint. If she said that to me, I’d be awaiting trial on felony charges right now and still trying to coordinate OT/SLP appt. and calling in for the IEP meetings…from the slammer…AWKWARD! Kudos to you for daily giving your children a model of grace and strength to learn from. I mean that!
You are doing a wonderful job! Your children are blessed to have you as a mother. For the wonderful people who have posted in support of you, I have to say what an incredibly sharing and big-hearted group. I have two little boys who are both autistic. I’m lucky in my relatives, but I have also had to deal with hurtful comments and those looks from people who have no idea. I feel that I am blessed in my children, and while I do my best to teach them, they also teach me, every day. Thank you, so much for sharing with everyone. Also, thank you, to all of the people who posted replies to you. It helps so much to hear from other parents who have children who have different needs than the so-called normal children. Thank you! Much love, support and hugs to you all!
Wonderful blog. Thank you so much for this post and the others as well. I just found you tonight through a friend. Our family has every theory in the book for my son’s Aspergers, and each one is some underhanded way to lay blame on our parenting. Lack of Discipline, working mom, etc etc….lately it’s that he doesn’t need meds or an IEP, he is completely normal. Am I and a sundry of medical professionals just making this up??? And no one comes to give us break. No one. It’s enough to make me so bitter and angry. But my energy needs to go into helping my boy navigate this life. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. You are a great mom and your son is so lucky to have you. Keep writing. We need it. xxxooo
Well, I don’t have anything well-informed or intelligent to say, but I will say this: it sounds like you’re doing a kick-*** job. I found one of your posts on freshly pressed and migrated to a few others, and to be quite honest, I’m impressed by your resolve and humor. If nothing else, those are two amazing things to have. My boyfriend has two autistic cousins, and while I haven’t interacted with them much, I know that it’s incredibly challenging for his aunt and uncle. I’m sure there is quite a list of BS people say to you, but it must be pretty crappy comin’ from the mom-in-law. Keep your chin up and your blog going. I’ll be following ya. In a non-creepy way…
I have three boys ages 5, 4, and 2. All three have autism. I have heard at least 6 or 7 of your MIL comments myself. Ugh. So frustrating.
I love your blog, i look forward to reading more.
The best one on this topic so far has been from my mother, yes my mother,
“well although i wish that he didn’t have Aspergers at least you know now what it was like for me raising your brother and that it wasn’t just bad parenting like you all said’.. to put it into context - my brother is 9 years younger than me, so from 9 through 18 i grew up with a brother who was extremely difficult and found later to be ADHD. We helped with him through the years and yes sometimes he needed to be pulled into line, but thanks mother for making me feel so low when in all reality i was a kid (oh and me and my DH were the ones that saved sanity millions of times).
Also a gem from the mother ‘well at lest you have funding, we didn’t have any, be thankful that you have what you got’, yes we are thankful, no funding doesn’t cover much, and yes we are both working hard to be able to afford a life!
the next best if from my sister who lives in a different city to me, on hearing getting a diagnosis one 2 min skype conversation and then nothing, you would think there wouldl be something from someone who has been there done that.. but no! support - lol i get more support from my bra!
Apologies for ranting! thanks for the blog.
Aspergers Mum, I have to admit, you made me laugh. It’s not funny, but I am glad you are able to find the humor in it as frustrating as it can be. ~xoxo
I just had the biggest blow up with my mother and sister following the Christmas holiday and their criticism of my autistic child and my parenting. And I wondered if I was the only one who was experiencing this with my family. Thanks for this!
If they would stop long enough to realize their remarks cause more frustration and it puts a wall up that prevents us from reaching out to them, there would be less time to complain and more time to help with the situation. Although my children haven’t been diagnosed with anything pertaining to limbs or speech, they were traumatized when their father was murdered at their home and the murderer kept coming back. We were having to fight to stay safe without the help of the police department or investigators, etc. Their grandmother needed a transplant during all of this and almost died numerous times before receiving it and after receiving it. A few months after his death, we woke to a tornado ripping our neighborhood apart and had to move, along with other things. It was one shock after another before you could heal from each. Your body can literally only take so much shock, before your chemicals are out of whack. It can almost be compared to war, where your adrenaline calms down and you turn to the left and it kicks back in. You turn to the right and it kicks back in. This is what causes soldiers to suffer from post traumatic stress. They are taking in shock after shock, and it is very difficult to recover from. Once your body is depleted from adrenaline, it has a hard time producing on normal days and it will over-compensate when it is needed in a fight or flight situation.
Experiencing all of this at once and not having closure changes everything from the way you function to the way you think. You become slower, easily aggravated, depressed, angry, unable to focus, etc. It is an effort to get dressed daily, even when you want to. Some days they give up easy and get frustrated with the smallest things, such as a shoe not cooperating. When it hits everything can feel overwhelming. Every article you have written covers widowed families as well. It touches my heart to be able to understand you. Your whole life changes and we have to find ways to adapt.
The rest of our family make the same remarks, just in different ways, such as…So and so needs help, they need another doctor, I am worried that they have an anger problem, they are lazy, they don’t do enough chores, you let them get away with to much. They do not see the love shared and the bonding taking place or the exhaustion and fear. If they walk in and hear me ask so and so to take the trash out and I get a “in a minute” reply. They didn’t see before they arrived that they just cleaned out the dog pen and are now exhausted and need rest. (It doesn’t take much for exhaustion when you are suffering from adrenaline depletion.) They only experience what happens when they are here for the few moments. They may even make the lazy comment to the child. They then return home and comment to others that the kids were being lazy or back-talking me. They call me and tell me they do not see an improvement and are only trying to help. They only see what they want fixed and it should already be fixed.
Forget that brothers and sisters argue, forget that children aren’t perfect, forget they show great manners in public, forget they did what I asked five minutes ago, they love to point out the faults. This can be so frustrating when we need to heal in our own time and in our own way. I want to say to them there is a time for everything and I am sorry it does not fit in with your timeline. I am sorry we do not move as fast as you. I am sorry we are not perfect. I had much rather be spending this time not discussing this.
I am so sorry you experience this to and I greatly appreciate your insight. I wrote in one of my articles, being a widow can make you feel as if you are going insane and at other times make you feel as if you are the only sane one. I can imagine you understand this. I love your articles. Thank you! (Sorry for the long reply, just wanted to show you what other families have in common. I couldn’t fit all of them in though, just the highlights
)
You are so inspiring.
As a young college student with no experience with autistic children-or any, for that matter-I can not even begin to imagine the effort you must put in to every single day. I’m sure it is hard as hell, even knowing how worthwhile it is to be a mother, sometimes it’s just hard. That’s why I have fallen in love with this blog. You are both raw and sophisticated, floundering at times but strong. You are a stunning person, no matter what “insight” your mother-in-law may squish into your life.
So in my passing-by I had to stop to and send a little love out your way, because you so deserve it. Keep going strong, you are wonderful.
All I can say is I understand and you are an awesome mom!
For what it’s worth… You are doing a great job and it will be okay!
my mother in law said to me if I only spank her more and not give in to her she would not act that way.
Love your blog It makes me know I’m not alone.
Thank you
My mil most often DO NOT get along.. we have had some major arguments.. even one of us screaming at eachother in my kitchen..
the PDD, actually, has NOT been one of them.. for a long time she felt that his problems and delays were soley because of his hearing (he needed tubes).. It took some time.. and she even spent some time at his school with him one day.. she learned thigns she can do to help him when he visits her, and songs and games they play at school..
in a way i’m thankful that we dont talk about it..
but sometimes it’d be nice if she asked questions.. i try to tell myself that it’s not because she doesnt care..
Some of the most common headsmackers from my MIL:
1. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
2. “I don’t need to learn about my grandson / his needs / how to take care of him / what life involves / etc. I DID raise his father AND two other boys [none of whom have the disabilities my grandson does], you know, and THEY SURVIVED.”
3. “Why do you keep trying to remind me that he notices everything, and that he’s smart? It’s not like he’s going to understand what I was saying, or was even paying attention until you started in, so it wouldn’t have been an issue.”
4. “I don’t know about that.”
5. “Well, that wouldn’t be a problem, if…”
6. “What do you mean, ‘How he works’…? He’s a little boy, I haven’t forgotten what those are like. I’m SURE he doesn’t have to be as different as you make him out to be.”
7. “Oh, I figured it wasn’t worth it to…”
8. “Are you SURE you’d already told us that?”
Um, do we have the same mother out law???? I have heard 1, 2, 4, and 6 in some form or another. UGH. At least we are not alone.
I am sorry for those comments that were said but please remember that you are doing a fantastic job and helping others to do the same. There are thousands of your readers who are saying “You’re doing a great job. It’s really going to be okay.”
Absolutely adore this blog. I laugh and cry and feel a kinship with you and so many of your commenters. My MIL is guilty of just about every one of these offenses, and a few more humdingers to boot (and shares many of Megan’s MIL’s horrors, too!) . Actually, all of my in-laws save one are in the same category… riddiculously ignorant, self-righteous and hurtful. They are actually toxic in many other ways beyond just knowing it all about my daughter’s well-being and subtly casting blame on me. I finally pulled the plug on relationships with all of them except for the one decent one (my husband fully supported this move, thank goodness) and the amount of stress I took off my plate was amazing. Because let’s face it, our energies are much better spent elsewhere… our kids! Thanks for writing this blog. I love it and appreciate it.
my mils top ten here
1.i have had 4 children there is nothing wrong with your baby i would know.
2.perhaps his screaming fits at night are because your feeding him the wrong foods.
3.it’s trapped wind !!!
4.He’s not Autistic i would know i ran a nursey school in my own home.
5.AUTISTIC ! i should ask for a second opinion.
6.your tired …. bringing up children is tiring you dont need to tell me that.
7.One day im sure as a mother you will be able to deal with his condition .
8.Cant they operate ??
9.Oh he’s only like when he’s with you ….thats because i wont leave him with any one who does not understand him.
10.it’s obviously from your side of the family we have looked back at ours and were all clear.
i wonder why we dont talk anymore how amny times have i asked for help and just got a negative comment from her i dont know.my son is beautifull i love him so much and every little step is a huge reward for me i wouldnt be without him as he is so special hes my angel.
To hear you say those things makes me upset….i remember similar from my MIL. She is a Narcissist. She also had a daycare (it closed 20 years ago) and she thinks that she knows everything about kids. (She is 75 now). She didn’t have any kids with special needs. She had about 8 kids in her daycare. She has NO idea what she is talking about. She once told me that he didn’t need special ed….he went for a year so they could test him. She said that sign language is just a bunch of gibberish. And they used it every day at school for kids who couldn’t talk. She is just ignorant. I am sorry you had to deal with this. I thank God, I don’t have to deal with my MIL only once every 2-3 weeks. And we don’t talk on the phone. So it is a lot easier.
Hope you don’t mind … but I HAD to share. It was too good not to.
Top 1 from mine would be:
1) you see…he is not THAT dumb…. 0_0
Been there. Done that.
From my mom: “I just know he’ll be “whole” in Heaven.” and “I think God gave us the boys to remind me to pray.” Yeaaaah…
Wow, this blog is wonderful and reflects everything I have unfortunately experienced at some stage with our beautiful Autistic son, who is now 13. My MIL used to say such ridiculous things. Eg. Our son had a tendancy to suck on his sleeves when he was about 3 years old. My MIL’s response to this? “What are you feeding him? When they suck their clothes like that it is a sign they are lacking in iron.” Sigh.. Our other son is very bright and MIL once said to me, “Oh yes, (his Dad) was always clever like that.” But for our Autistic son? Of course all of his traits that aren’t considered normal or acceptable are from my side of the family!
I also have trouble with my own Mother from time to time. I love her dearly, but she seems to have no respect or empathy for my son at all. This distresses me more than anything my MIL could ever say or do. I have been told, “He does get away with an awful lot.” When, the way I see it, the majority of Grandparents are so compassionate, loving and accepting of Autism, so why can’t my son’s family be the same? It causes me to spiral deep into depression at times, especially as I dread to think what would happen if my husband and I were no longer here. Who would take care of my boy? Who would love him as I do, accept his quirks, understand his behaviours and show as much patience and understanding as one possibly can?
I look at my boy and I see beauty, cheekiness and a wonderful sense of humour. He is loving, kind and the best sound in the world is when he laughs. (Even if he does laugh at something in a movie, or on tv, that no-one else finds amusing). I’m not saying things are perfectly wonderful, because they are not and for me to say so would be untruthful. We have our moments, and our days, where nothing goes right. I love my son and our 2 other children more than anything in the world.But my world is shattered somewhat when the ones I need the most to understand, just don’t.
I am so sad for you. I have also listened to some folks try to ‘help’ me raise my kids- two of which are an ASD son and a drug addict son. Its hard enough without the added spice that silly, rude, or careless statements can cause. However, saying that, I will share this: I decided long ago, that people who say the things that used to cause me sadness or pain are also handicapped, (altho they don’t realize it… but then, neither do my sons) …and if I love them any less for being handicapped than I do my own sons, then I am as (dumb and/or blind and as) handicapped as the offenders are. So, I have simply chosen to try to find something good about them, like I do for my own troubled kids, and focus on their positives. Don’t mourn the offenders or their not.being who you wish they were . We ALL are handicapped to some extent. ALL of us! In fact, I am now sometimes grateful for their hoof-in-mouth disease, because it makes me feel better when I chew my own hoof occasionally. I feel like the problem isn’t unique to me.
Why oh why oh WHY do some MILs behave this way?? W-H-Y???? My oldest grandchild is on the spectrum. My husband and I moved from our home to another one just to be able to help out with him. Our DIL is a saint who hugged me yesterday and said,”I love you so much. You’re the only one who understands, the only one I can talk to.” Come on, people. It’s called kindness and sympathy, and it isn’t that difficult to do. I think your post should be required reading for every MIL with grandchildren on the spectrum-including yours. She needs to know how hurtful she is, and if you can’t tell her, your husband should. Never, EVER, for one moment doubt that you are a remarkable mother…absolutely remarkable. Your children are blessed to have you as their mother, and those of us in the trenches with you know that and love you for it.
PS I saw a poster recently that said, “Never let your behavior be determined by what others think of you.” Great advice!
Does anyone ever consider the implications for the autistic child when they grow up? I am one of those autistic children who grew up and found out that my family were saying similar things. Although by the time I had found out about it, they had all become understanding of why the things they said was hurtful and were truly sorry, it isn’t something I could possibly begin to forgive and they received total ejection from my life. Autism destroys families, it is true, I haven’t seen a single member of my family in 12 years, but it isn’t because of the autistic individual.
Aspie, I’m so sorry that you were so hurt by the thoughtless remarks of family members while you were growing up. I think I have some idea of how you feel. My mother used to say that she would “rather the doctor tell me I have cancer than that I am overweight.” She’d say this to me, the daughter who was heavy and has always struggled with excess weight. It cut me like a knife! I was angry for a long time, but I have forgiven her. Overall, she was a very good and loving mother. She was insensitive in that “area,” granted. She was imperfect, as we all are. We have to learn to forgive eachother’s human flaws; otherwise, we will end up rejecting a lot of truly good people who could have enriched our lives. Your relatives said what they did out of ignorance, and they now regret it and are sorry. They probably never intended to hurt you. I hope you can some day forgive them and reconcile with at least some of them. Sorry if I have overstepped boundaries here.